The season is mere hours away from kicking off unless you’re reading this on like Friday then it already has. But let’s pretend my popularity is a hundredfold what it is in reality and football fans the world over have been waiting with baited breath for me to make my week 1 picks. Okay with the scene set let’s go!
Sorry to keep you all waiting, I know you’ve been eagerly anticipating this post for months now, but since the NFL wasn’t in season, and my lone USFL blog did terrible I didn’t have much to write about. So let’s get into what this is, each week I’ll offer my picks for which team will win their matchups. I’ll try to include some humorous commentary but depending on how the Dolphins play it may devolve into outright angry posting.
Bills @ Rams: Winner pick Rams
The Rams are coming off of a super bowl title and they’ve managed to retain most of the important pieces while adding players like Allen Robinson. While I admit Josh Allen looked amazing in the playoffs he still lost in the divisional round, let’s hold off on crowning the Bills.
Eagles @ Lions: Eagles
I expect the Eagles to continue to be a solid but not great team this season. As for the Lions I expect them to continue to be incredibly over hyped by the media and maybe win like 6 games.
49ers @ Bears: 49ers
It’s going to be really sad to watch Justin Fields have to play for the Bears this season, their only hope is Trey Lance is somehow historically horrible. That’s pretty unlikely and even if he is they still have Jimmy G who is mediocre but also very handsome, so he’ll lead them to a victory.
Steelers @ Bengals: Bengals
The Bengals will probably struggle with a Super Bowl hangover at some point this season but I don’t expect Mitch Trubisky to capitalize on that in week 1.
Patriots @ Dolphins: Dolphins
This is either going to be the beginning of the Tua Era or the beginning of my slow decline into alcoholism!
Browns @ Panthers: Panthers
Baker is going to pop off before probably getting absolutely annihilated by Myles Garret and then PJ Walker will out duel Jacoby Brissett and by out duel I mean handoff to Christian McCaffrey.
Colts @ Texans: Colts
The Matt Ryan era (one year before he’s replaced by another QB) is here in Indy and I expect him to make the most of it! (Lose in a heartbreaking fashion in the playoffs)
Saints @ Falcons: Saints
Famous Jameis is back and the Falcons have one of the worst teams in the league this should be an easy W! (Delicious)
Ravens @ Jets: Ravens
Joe Flacco revenge game? Probably not, I expect big things from the Ravens this year and it starts here.
Jaguars @ Commanders: Jaguars
I honestly just think it would be funny for the Jaguars to win in week 1 and then go on a 20+ game losing streak again.
Packers @ Vikings: Vikings
Aaron Rodgers may have microdosed himself with Covid to gain an immunization but Kirk Cousins straight up said “it’s in god’s hands if I live or die” and I prefer my skeptics to be straight forward.
Giants @ Titans: Titans
I think with the addition of Malik Willis and the pressure of overcoming last year’s bad playoff loss there is a legit shot that Ryan Tannehill has a nervous breakdown this season but he should be fine against the Giants.
Raiders @ Chargers: Raiders
Everyone is very high on the Chargers this year but have they considered that their fanbase is very annoying on Twitter? I expect their season to begin the same way it ended last season with a loss to the Raiders.
Chiefs @ Cardinals: Cardinals
Kyler Murray like many of us is just killing time until Modern Warfare 2 comes out so he might as well throw a bunch of touchdowns while waiting.
Buccaneers @ Cowboys: Buccaneers
I can’t believe I have to watch the Cowboys on primetime vs the Bucs in week 1 again this year. Just for that I’m picking the Bucs, also because rumor has it that Brady is having marriage troubles and I would never bet against a pissed off Tom Brady.
Broncos @ Seahawks: Broncos
Russell Wilson may throw 10 touchdowns during this game and it will be glorious… let’s ride and all that.
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